Overcoming Toxic Narratives
Overcoming generational trauma requires rewriting the toxic narratives of our past
Meaning (when married with purpose) is foundational to happiness. As we have discussed previously, meaning is the cognitive process of coping with our past. It is a thoughtful review of that which we have previously experienced—as opposed to purpose which is concerned with action in the present and future.
Happy people tend to tell themselves heroic stories about their past while unhappy people tend to tell themselves victim stories. While a boon for those who are more optimistically inclined and unhindered by generational trauma, often those stuck in the victim mindset have trouble changing their mindset. Generational trauma is holding them back.
Ricky, an Earn & Invest listener, grew up in a complicated family situation in which his parents used money as a weapon. During a years long divorce, his parents would often refuse necessary expenditures for the kids and try to pawn them off on the other parent. Because of this, Ricky suffered from unhealthy money narratives due to his generational trauma.
In fact, he became so money avoidant as an adult, that he often spurned money or quickly spent on frivolous purchases. For Ricky, money became the root of all evil and somehow having it made him feel bad about himself. In fact, deep down inside, the wounded child convinced himself that the need for money was a sign of weakness and being unloveable to his parents. If he just stopped asking for money, his parents would love him more and maybe they would even get back together.
Ricky certainly didn’t feel like a hero of his past. If anything, he was a victim, and the more money he had the worse he felt.
Is it a surprise that Ricky often had just enough money to survive and often didn’t have any margin in his life to pursue purpose or happiness? These unhealthy narratives had been passed down by his parents, and the story Ricky told himself, about himself, was deeply unhealthy.
Rewriting a lifetime of these painful narratives is not easy. Yet, to improve his sense of meaning, Ricky will be well served by replacing these unhealthy narratives with ones that give him more control of his life.
But how does he do that?
With narrative therapy.
Narrative therapy was developed in the 1980s by New Zealand-based therapists Michael White and David Epston, and seeks to have an empowering effect and offer counseling that is non-blaming and non-pathological in nature.
Let’s use Ricky as an example.
First Ricky would externalize his trauma by creating a narrative in which he has placed some distance between himself and the bad things that happened to him. Ricky was a kid, just like any other kid, who had certain material needs.
Next, Ricky would get more specific and deconstruct the specifics of his trauma. He would break it down into more manageable parts and recognize the role the deterioration of his parent’s marriage played in their behaviors regardless of his specific actions.
Finally, Ricky could then rewrite those narratives and realize that he was just a kid being a normal kid. That his parents should have not taken out their frustrations on him and that money was not good or evil—it was a mechanism of harm among his warring parents.
By externalizing the trauma, Ricky could then see that he heroically survived the mishaps of his parents. He was a good kid in a bad situation.
In this process of rewriting, Ricky can re envision himself as enough. He was always good enough. Smart enough. He no longer has to spurn money to prove that he is lovable.
He always was.
Today’s Poll
Did you catch this week’s episode of Earn & Invest (Click to listen)?
From Facebook
They are often a study in Kahneman's System 1 and 2 models or Munger's Psychology of Misjudgment.
The cognitive bias at issue is called the "Possibility Effect", where even remote possibilities are equated with substantial and actionable likelihoods.
For the saver crowd, this means that they use the 4% rule and then make it "even more conservative just to be safe" to justify irrational fears of running out of money and continued hoarding of it. The big tip off are those that refuse to acknowledge or use basic techniques of portfolio construction and variable withdrawals to improve their odds. Instead, the basic choice is "don't spend much money", resulting in sub-3% withdrawal rates and continued accumulation until the highest net worth is achieved at death.
The Financial Services Industry and Financial Media are also beneficiaries and promoters of irrational pessimism due to perverse incentives. For the media, some variation of "the 4% rule doesn't work" is a common headline used to attract clicks and eyeballs. Even better if you invent up a "thumb on the scale" study with bad assumptions to support it. For the Financial Services Industry, it is pessimism is convenient because it sets an extremely low bar for FA performances, makes nice room for AUM fees and increases fees over time as the clients' assets continue to grow.
Path to Purpose Coaching
Over the last year, writing my new book The Purpose Code, I have spent a huge amount of time thinking about, writing about, and discussing purpose. I have offered one-on-one and group coaching to my mastermind group, Wealth With Purpose. These discussions stem from my real life encounters with dying hospice patients as well as the numerous interactions I have had with people after reading Taking Stock.
What I've found is that most of us who listen to the Earn & Invest Podcast struggle with three basic issues:
How do I define purpose in my life?
How do I transition to a more fulfilling career?
What is enough money look like? Enough life?
To help navigate these waters, I have decided to offer the Path to Purpose coaching program. This is one-on-one coaching with me to help you further define purpose, direction, and career. Sessions will be spread over five weeks with a goal to provide a more concrete and enjoyable path to crack the purpose code and start living your life now whether you are broke, pre financial independence, financially independent, or beyond.
https://www.earnandinvest.com/coaching